in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
You Might Also Like
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Hotels are back
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.