Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face