Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.