In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”