Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
You Might Also Like
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
This guy gets it.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.