@FeralCrone

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

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@FrankConniff

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

@dafloydsta

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

@Otter_News

If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
#SteveThoughts

@Heaterhotusus

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

@roxiqt

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

@jjax44

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

@sixfootcandy

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

@Knorg

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

@LilFlaOrange30

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.