In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”


The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…


The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.


HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.


The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons


Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.


hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him


I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.


I can hear you swallowing from across the room you irritating piece of SHIT

– marriage