In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
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If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee