A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
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Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I can hear you swallowing from across the room you irritating piece of SHIT