[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
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“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Ok but actually
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.