[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
You sure about that?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Solving a traffic jam
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————