[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me