my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?
Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…
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[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die
*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I only drink to forget that my 4 year old daughter has an iPad Touch and I have to ask for her help when it’s my turn to play on it.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
no chill in the bubble kingdom