@markleggett

In America she’s called “Miley” Cyrus, but in other countries she’s called “What America would be like if it were a person”.

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@GrantTanaka

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

@Skoog

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@Snow_Blacck

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

@CircIeKay

First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth

@batkaren

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

@onedumbshark

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon