[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
In America she’s called “Miley” Cyrus, but in other countries she’s called “What America would be like if it were a person”.
You Might Also Like
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*
“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”
“Sir, we don’t accept children.”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.