@markleggett

In America she’s called “Miley” Cyrus, but in other countries she’s called “What America would be like if it were a person”.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

@SketchesbyBoze

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

@narcoticpanda

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@robdelaney

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

@Contwixt

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

@1CleverGirl1

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

@TheMichaelRock

*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*

“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”

“Sir, we don’t accept children.”

*runs away*

@JeffMyspace

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

@sammyrhodes

Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.

@SarahPDorfman

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.