“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”