[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
In America she’s called “Miley” Cyrus, but in other countries she’s called “What America would be like if it were a person”.
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saying “eat the rich”
-makes people think you’re a cannibal
saying “ok boomer”
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
Siri, fight Alexa.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon