COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.