In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”