The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.