In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
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Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake