In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Sell your car
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.