In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!