@AndrewChamings

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

- @AndrewChamings

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@AtticusFinch79

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

@kumailn

“Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump.” – SWAT manual on breaking down doors

@mjkspeaks

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

@SequelsWeWant

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

@_steamy_mac

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@TheDjinnTrials

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.