In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Bond. Trauma bond.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO