In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Reporter: *ports again*
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
War & Peace
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.