In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both