In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”


“I’ve got plenty of time.”


“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?


Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea


*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.


I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..


If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.


‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string


I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.


I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing


Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes


If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday