@TT_Sunshine_

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

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@eminmien

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

@steeve_again

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

@briancthayer

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

@TheOnlyMommaG

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

@SondraDeeMe

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

@hippieswordfish

‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string

@MrsFancyPants77

I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.

@weismanjake

I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing

@etherealraccoon

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

@pilau

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday