In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]