In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Lmao
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way