In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.

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Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.


When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.


[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.


dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows


*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble.


Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown


cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go