INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
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Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy: