In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?