In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
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By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Netflix: We have Less
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
How to wake up a Beagle
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral