In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
You Might Also Like
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Guilty! 🤪
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
barbara was highly relatable
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Love it! 👍😂
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver