right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
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Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
me when the borders lift
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
honestly, i need both:
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car