@Rollmaninoz

In Australia, 7 spiders eat you in your sleep every year.

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@drayzze

Whew! I almost hit a deer today.

But I managed to calm down and got back in the car before things escalated.

@T_Bonezzz_

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

@solomongeorgio

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

@FredTaming

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

@Mrs_JGplus3

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

@_steamy_mac

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

@chuuew

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

@TweetsByKaylee

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
 <⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

   ∧_∧ oh no
   ( ・ω・) im late for work
  _| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

 <⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

@joshesjames

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.