Whew! I almost hit a deer today.
But I managed to calm down and got back in the car before things escalated.
In Australia, 7 spiders eat you in your sleep every year.
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[day 7 of quarantine]
∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
Drugs are bad…when they wear off.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.