@Rollmaninoz

In Australia, 7 spiders eat you in your sleep every year.

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

@miilkkk

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

@0point5twins

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

@KentWGraham

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

@RoosterMustache

*bursts into church*

DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN

Undertaker: “This is a funeral”

OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER

@BackrowSeats

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.

@sikeyeah

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@Marlebean

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids