Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I hope it’s French Onion!
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.