@exitingcorpse
@JustDontBugMe
[at 10pm]
ME: MOOOOMMMMMM!!!
MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?
ME: Could you wash these jeans?
MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?
ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!
You Might Also Like
@JustDontBugMe
@Fred_Delicious
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
@FrazzleMyGimp
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
@LOUD_Thoughts_
I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.
@SuburbanComa
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
@SlappNuttz
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
@SaraESpivey
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
@barryjohnharper
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
@gibbet
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
@TheRealPalMal
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.