@exitingcorpse

in australia we call her kilometrey cyrus

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@JustDontBugMe

[at 10pm]

ME: MOOOOMMMMMM!!!

MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?

ME: Could you wash these jeans?

MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?

ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!

@Fred_Delicious

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

@LOUD_Thoughts_

I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.

@SuburbanComa

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

@SlappNuttz

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

@SaraESpivey

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

@gibbet

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

@TheRealPalMal

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.