Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
in australia we call her kilometrey cyrus
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Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.