┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Cool shirt 🙂
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.