@exitingcorpse

in australia we call her kilometrey cyrus

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@ms_woodsy

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

@caribbeanaj

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

@Social_Mime

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

@TheCamJude

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

@LizHackett

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

@GroovyCheese

4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”

@RobertManchild

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

@Manali_Shetye5

{Stalker Diary}
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

@ShellHasDragons

Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.