In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Living the best life.. 😊
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My five year plan is a meteorite
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: