In banana years, I am bread.
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“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Just a friendly reminder!
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
you’re damn right i have
