[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
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Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.