[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

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If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.


Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.


5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.


I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.


me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met


me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape


The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.


News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.


Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest


Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low…