@MarlonBrandNO

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

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@djr_102

If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.

@Kevaclysm

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

@Elizasoul80

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

@JessObsess

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@causticbob

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

@LynneMcCarthy

Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest

@rzarosco

Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low…