[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.