[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
omg leave her alone
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some