@squirrel74wkgn

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

You Might Also Like

@AlexvanBeek

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

@noog

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

@NewDadNotes

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

@skepti_ghoul

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

@crunchenhanced

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

@DudeImShawn

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

@DaddyJew

I’m gonna start charging my regrets rent since they’re clearly never leaving

@3sunzzz

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.