[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
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I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
real
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”