Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
seems like a niche market
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
When they try to steal your moment.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.