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@veggiefemme

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

@MorticiaKate

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

@AndyShulk

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

@sock_holliday

When I say books rule you say shhhh

Librarian:…

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: awwww yeaaaah

@fro_vo

imagine not being able to use your imagination.

wrong

@brennadine

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

@EmmyStar79

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

@jessokfine

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

@shariv67

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.