me: can i share something without being judged
date: um ok sure what is it
me: i… i have a foot fetish
date: oh that’s not that weird i-
me: *placing her exactly 12 inches from me* ohhhh yeah that’s the stuff
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.
ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!
FRIEND: that’s great!
ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.
FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.
ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]
ME: you want some?
Me: I have to lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.
Me: Is that cake?
Ambien: YES. You should.
But I’m naked.
*stands up* I HAVE A REASON THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED!
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope