@captainkalvis

[in bed]
me: can i share something without being judged

date: um ok sure what is it

me: i… i have a foot fetish

date: oh that’s not that weird i-

me: *placing her exactly 12 inches from me* ohhhh yeah that’s the stuff

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@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

@AndreyasAsylum

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

@PaperWash

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

@roadkill3x

Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.

@sonictyrant

ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!

FRIEND: that’s great!

ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.

FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.

ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]

FRIEND:

ME: you want some?

@Manali_Shetye5

Me: I have to lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.

Me: Is that cake?

@MartaEffing

I shouldn’t.

Ambien: YES. You should.

But I’m naked.

A: EXACTLY.

Ok, fine.

*stands up* I HAVE A REASON THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED!

@HatfieldAnne

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

@rockymomax

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope