[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”