[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.