Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Friends that check up on you >
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.