[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

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Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!


Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.


I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.


I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.


I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.


Boss: Are you high?

Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.


*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally


If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.


I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.