[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]