A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.
BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.
Doctor: “Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!”
Kate: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doctor: “No. You have a tapeworm.”