[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
awkward
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
We all have our pet causes.
water it, i dare you
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.