When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
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Sorry about your forehead…
…I thought that was clearly a high five moment.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
9 just scolded me at the grocery for buying wine.
I told him it was ok, I was 21 to which he loudly responded, Nooo, you’re 38.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”