Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.