@tsm560

[in bed]

Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …

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@UncleDuke1969

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

@AngryRaccoon2

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

@Love_bug1016

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

@C00LpenNAME

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

@DosieDoe

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

@_salt_n_lime

Don’t tell me how to run my account and I won’t make a voodoo doll just to dunk your head in the toilet.

@TheAlexNevil

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.