[in bed]

Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …

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A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.



My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.


I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw


In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.


12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude


Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.


I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.


Don’t tell me how to run my account and I won’t make a voodoo doll just to dunk your head in the toilet.


Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.