@tsm560

[in bed]

Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …

You Might Also Like

@HaliPhacks

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

@better_off_dad

Sorry about your forehead…

…I thought that was clearly a high five moment.

@FattMernandez

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

@fro_vo

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

@_chasing_amy

9 just scolded me at the grocery for buying wine.
I told him it was ok, I was 21 to which he loudly responded, Nooo, you’re 38.

Thanks son.

@GrantTanaka

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

@freypalm

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

@stockejock

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

@vodkachrome

I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.

@Rollinintheseat

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”