[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
This is always good for a laugh.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”