[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
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me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.