[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
The news
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”