[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event