*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig